So if you couldn’t tell, I’m not super consistent with my updates.
I’ve been extra tired lately. The loss of my grandmother hits me in unexpected waves and I feel a constant looming sadness. Guilt comes to me at random as well. I’m not the best at dealing with trauma. I don’t know how to process it.
Not an excuse, but a reality. I still want to write. I’m continue soon. But I just wanted to vent into the void.
I would check the weather for my grandma when we Skyped. Her location is saved in my weather app. My heart hurts.
I’m showering once a week. I barely clean. I haven’t brushed my hair in two days. I haven’t worked on any projects in 2 weeks. I feel… sad… all the time. Even when I laugh in crying at the same time. I have no control.
There’s history of mental illness in my family, mania, depression, bipolar. My mom says she thinks I have depression that she knows when I’m feeling low and when I’m feeling normal.
I tell her I’m fine. And then I don’t seek out the professional help like I tell her I’ll do.
Why? Because I don’t feel justified in having these feelings. It’s like a weird middle ground where I’m self aware that this is not normal behavior, the lethargy, the lack of self-care, the constant mood swings and I know which professionals to seek, I know the costs involved. But I won’t make the necessary appointment.
There’s more here that maybe I haven’t self-discovered. But I just needed to vent into the void that is the internet for a moment.
I’ll be fine. I just need another few days.