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And here comes 2021

A friend passed away the other day due to health complications. Because these last few weeks haven’t been hard enough.

Funerals are expensive and his pseudo-brother is organizing it. If you can find it in your heart to donate or share, it would be greatly appreciated.

Go Fund Me for Chris Ellington

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My heart hurts

I lost my grandmother yesterday. In the course of 15 minutes, I was told she was in the hospital, she was going to hospice, and she had passed.

She had health problems, but had kept the severity of them from the family. This was a surprise.

We were close. We lived far apart, we didn’t physically see each other much in the last 10 years, but we talked all the time. We had a bond.

I looked up to her. And now she’s gone.

This eternal disconnect from someone so close hurts. And that’s the best way I can explain it.

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Feeling better

There’s a foot of snow on the ground, it’s 30°, but I’m feeling warm inside today.

I keep trying to stave off the “oh god, what’s going to go wrong” thoughts. Doing ok with that so far.

Thinking more and more about how to comfortably share my favorite wip without giving everything away at once. I picked up some ideas from other new authors, so I may just start sharing scene peeks and character info. More on that later. Back to work.

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Is this depression?

I’m showering once a week. I barely clean. I haven’t brushed my hair in two days. I haven’t worked on any projects in 2 weeks. I feel… sad… all the time. Even when I laugh in crying at the same time. I have no control.

There’s history of mental illness in my family, mania, depression, bipolar. My mom says she thinks I have depression that she knows when I’m feeling low and when I’m feeling normal.

I tell her I’m fine. And then I don’t seek out the professional help like I tell her I’ll do.

Why? Because I don’t feel justified in having these feelings. It’s like a weird middle ground where I’m self aware that this is not normal behavior, the lethargy, the lack of self-care, the constant mood swings and I know which professionals to seek, I know the costs involved. But I won’t make the necessary appointment.

There’s more here that maybe I haven’t self-discovered. But I just needed to vent into the void that is the internet for a moment.

I’ll be fine. I just need another few days.