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Medicated

I finally did it… I went to a doctor and talked about some thoughts, feelings, behaviors I’m noticing, etc. They diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and prescribed me an SSRI. It was nice that it wasn’t pressured. It was an option, therapy was promoted more. I took the weekend to think it over and I started a low dose on Tuesday.

I’m tired. All the time. But I work crazy hours and keep myself going. I’m still productive, but I don’t have the fire I use to. My friend called to check on me, she could hear a difference. She said I sounded flat. I get a little nauseous in the morning, but it usually only lasts a few minutes. I tried playing a video game last night and I was just awful. Like my reaction time was so slow. It made me really sad. But I’m going to try again this weekend. It seems I feel more sluggish in the morning and before bed. I’ve been taking the meds in the evening because I was afraid I’d be too tired during the day.

The upside, my brain is still mine. I still have the same thoughts and feelings. I just don’t get as stressed out. I don’t jump to conclusions as quick or react negatively right off the bat. Like it toned my emotions down to let my brain process what’s happening and make a more conscious decision. I just need to get passed the tired phase, at least I hope it’s a phase. I feel dizzy right now actually. Like pressure in my head and my face is numb. This happened Wednesday too. It’s weird. I need a nap.

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My heart hurts

I lost my grandmother yesterday. In the course of 15 minutes, I was told she was in the hospital, she was going to hospice, and she had passed.

She had health problems, but had kept the severity of them from the family. This was a surprise.

We were close. We lived far apart, we didn’t physically see each other much in the last 10 years, but we talked all the time. We had a bond.

I looked up to her. And now she’s gone.

This eternal disconnect from someone so close hurts. And that’s the best way I can explain it.

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Feeling better

There’s a foot of snow on the ground, it’s 30°, but I’m feeling warm inside today.

I keep trying to stave off the “oh god, what’s going to go wrong” thoughts. Doing ok with that so far.

Thinking more and more about how to comfortably share my favorite wip without giving everything away at once. I picked up some ideas from other new authors, so I may just start sharing scene peeks and character info. More on that later. Back to work.

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Is this depression?

I’m showering once a week. I barely clean. I haven’t brushed my hair in two days. I haven’t worked on any projects in 2 weeks. I feel… sad… all the time. Even when I laugh in crying at the same time. I have no control.

There’s history of mental illness in my family, mania, depression, bipolar. My mom says she thinks I have depression that she knows when I’m feeling low and when I’m feeling normal.

I tell her I’m fine. And then I don’t seek out the professional help like I tell her I’ll do.

Why? Because I don’t feel justified in having these feelings. It’s like a weird middle ground where I’m self aware that this is not normal behavior, the lethargy, the lack of self-care, the constant mood swings and I know which professionals to seek, I know the costs involved. But I won’t make the necessary appointment.

There’s more here that maybe I haven’t self-discovered. But I just needed to vent into the void that is the internet for a moment.

I’ll be fine. I just need another few days.