I’m showering once a week. I barely clean. I haven’t brushed my hair in two days. I haven’t worked on any projects in 2 weeks. I feel… sad… all the time. Even when I laugh in crying at the same time. I have no control.
There’s history of mental illness in my family, mania, depression, bipolar. My mom says she thinks I have depression that she knows when I’m feeling low and when I’m feeling normal.
I tell her I’m fine. And then I don’t seek out the professional help like I tell her I’ll do.
Why? Because I don’t feel justified in having these feelings. It’s like a weird middle ground where I’m self aware that this is not normal behavior, the lethargy, the lack of self-care, the constant mood swings and I know which professionals to seek, I know the costs involved. But I won’t make the necessary appointment.
There’s more here that maybe I haven’t self-discovered. But I just needed to vent into the void that is the internet for a moment.
So I have 3 adult fiction works in progress. I’m trying to build a web presence, but the idea of rejection or works being stolen has prohibited me from sharing non-fanfiction pieces openly.
I’ve been feeling a little more open and brave lately, my own site and blogging should hint towards that. But does posting it here even protect my work? I genuinely don’t know. I’m not in a position to have a lawyer on retainer (I can be overdramatic, I know this), so it’s tough to get any real confirmation of anything from the internet.
Also, my WIPs are nowhere near completed, so even if I started sharing, they could drastically change. I just don’t know how to properly do all of this when I’m fighting anxiety and paranoia.
I finally put up chapter one of my WIP on Patreon. Of course it’s behind a tier because I’m too afraid of rejection to actually show anyone.
I’ve also been so stressed yet (yay holiday season) that I haven’t even written anymore because I can’t focus on anything for more than 2 seconds, which stresses me out. (Yay whatever is going on in my brain that I’m too lazy and stressed out to talk to a professional about)
One of my besties sent me a Christmas present that came early. I was so excited to get this. About a year and a half ago I started doing my own nails. I have a lot of colors and stamping plates and am constantly looking to grow my collection. I’ve seen the advent calendar pieces before, but never shelled out the money. But she sweetly bought this year’s for me as soon as it came back in stock. ❤❤❤
Now I need to decide if I’m going to advent it or tear it open now because I’m an impatient child!
I did just do my nails yesterday, so I’m in no real hurry. They really match these days because I get too excited and indecisive about all of the products I have (and it’s not even a lot, just a lot for me since I only do my own nails lol)
So sometimes I write scenes instead of chapters. Then I piece them together. This stems from my preference to write the eventful moments and my struggle to write the in between parts.
So I wrote a new scene last night that picks up from my Main Character trying to confide in her Love Interest, but struggling because communication has always been hindered in her past. It devolved into pure smut.
Sometimes I’m not sure what type of writer I want to be. I have decided to keep writing the smutty side of the romances. When I’m ready to start sharing this WIP, I’ll post the chapters here, but the smutty extended scenes will move to Patreon.
So in my Writing Thoughts post, I mentioned my newer WIP… And even though it’s nowhere near complete, I find myself unable to name it… and it weirdly impedes progress sometimes. Is that just a dumb procrastinator thing? Do others get this way about the title?
So I’ve posted the first 3 chapters of In the Dark… a work in progress that’s been written a million times. I genuinely don’t know where I want to go with it and it’s I haven’t looked at it in so long that I may or may not remember if those coincide with the other 12 chapters currently done lol. I did a lot of rewrites to the beginning, so you may or may not see more chapters for a bit. Especially since all of my energy has gone into a new piece about a woman doing website design/tech work for a marketing firm that gets mixed up with a crime organization. I have 14 chapters, but I’m not sure how I want to share them. The dream is to get published, but this might be something I publish on my own. We’ll see.
The configuration was easier than the Series X, I didn’t need to use an app. With that said, I can’t really say I love one more than the other. They’re both awesome machines. XBox tends to be my multiplayer machine, while Playstation is more my in depth solo machine. I very much look forward to playing Miles and FF7 Remake. I might even get back into Days Gone.
This is just an incredible generation of gaming systems. I’m still obsessed with the Switch, now I have these two. I feel whole. ❤💚💙