I finally did it… I went to a doctor and talked about some thoughts, feelings, behaviors I’m noticing, etc. They diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and prescribed me an SSRI. It was nice that it wasn’t pressured. It was an option, therapy was promoted more. I took the weekend to think it over and I started a low dose on Tuesday.
I’m tired. All the time. But I work crazy hours and keep myself going. I’m still productive, but I don’t have the fire I use to. My friend called to check on me, she could hear a difference. She said I sounded flat. I get a little nauseous in the morning, but it usually only lasts a few minutes. I tried playing a video game last night and I was just awful. Like my reaction time was so slow. It made me really sad. But I’m going to try again this weekend. It seems I feel more sluggish in the morning and before bed. I’ve been taking the meds in the evening because I was afraid I’d be too tired during the day.
The upside, my brain is still mine. I still have the same thoughts and feelings. I just don’t get as stressed out. I don’t jump to conclusions as quick or react negatively right off the bat. Like it toned my emotions down to let my brain process what’s happening and make a more conscious decision. I just need to get passed the tired phase, at least I hope it’s a phase. I feel dizzy right now actually. Like pressure in my head and my face is numb. This happened Wednesday too. It’s weird. I need a nap.
So, in true one thing after another fashion… I’m now working 60+ hours a week. My brain won’t stop thinking about new story ideas… UNTIL I HAVE TIME TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE.
I also realize again just how awful I am at being social on the internet. Because on one hand I just want to share my writing and I want people to love it, but on the other hand, I’m still terrified someone will steal it. I don’t know why I’m so paranoid, there’s so many fun works floating out there from other amateur writers. I’m sure it’s just my brain being against me.
Also, I’ve been really sad lately because I love Webtoons and I think I could move my stories into Webtoons, but I have no artistic talent or no any artists interest in that medium.
Blech. It’ll be fine. I’m sure.
Bad News: I have 1 brain cell and it’s too exhausted to help me with any kind of story development.
Good News: An adrenaline rush gave me enough of a spark to tack on some cutesy stuff to an already cutesy section.
Bad News: I love smut and IT’S SO HARD thatswhatshesaid not to devolve “Good Enough” into that. I go back and forth because why can’t a bit of smut be okay? People still love Game of Thrones. But then I worry that it’ll be disregarded as a trashy romance novel. But also, I love trashy romance novels and my fanfiction is basically just trashy romance scenes and I love writing them as much as I do reading them so what’s the problem if I enjoy it? Then I think But it won’t be marketable. And then I think 50 Shades of Grey and then I think who the f*** is going to publish me anyway?
A friend passed away the other day due to health complications. Because these last few weeks haven’t been hard enough.
Funerals are expensive and his pseudo-brother is organizing it. If you can find it in your heart to donate or share, it would be greatly appreciated.
Go Fund Me for Chris Ellington
So if you couldn’t tell, I’m not super consistent with my updates.
I’ve been extra tired lately. The loss of my grandmother hits me in unexpected waves and I feel a constant looming sadness. Guilt comes to me at random as well. I’m not the best at dealing with trauma. I don’t know how to process it.
Not an excuse, but a reality. I still want to write. I’m continue soon. But I just wanted to vent into the void.
I would check the weather for my grandma when we Skyped. Her location is saved in my weather app. My heart hurts.
Does time actually heal you? Or do you just get use to the circumstance?
There’s a foot of snow on the ground, it’s 30°, but I’m feeling warm inside today.
I keep trying to stave off the “oh god, what’s going to go wrong” thoughts. Doing ok with that so far.
Thinking more and more about how to comfortably share my favorite wip without giving everything away at once. I picked up some ideas from other new authors, so I may just start sharing scene peeks and character info. More on that later. Back to work.
So I have 3 adult fiction works in progress. I’m trying to build a web presence, but the idea of rejection or works being stolen has prohibited me from sharing non-fanfiction pieces openly.
I’ve been feeling a little more open and brave lately, my own site and blogging should hint towards that. But does posting it here even protect my work? I genuinely don’t know. I’m not in a position to have a lawyer on retainer (I can be overdramatic, I know this), so it’s tough to get any real confirmation of anything from the internet.
Also, my WIPs are nowhere near completed, so even if I started sharing, they could drastically change. I just don’t know how to properly do all of this when I’m fighting anxiety and paranoia.
I finally put up chapter one of my WIP on Patreon. Of course it’s behind a tier because I’m too afraid of rejection to actually show anyone.
I’ve also been so stressed yet (yay holiday season) that I haven’t even written anymore because I can’t focus on anything for more than 2 seconds, which stresses me out. (Yay whatever is going on in my brain that I’m too lazy and stressed out to talk to a professional about)