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Is this depression?

I’m showering once a week. I barely clean. I haven’t brushed my hair in two days. I haven’t worked on any projects in 2 weeks. I feel… sad… all the time. Even when I laugh in crying at the same time. I have no control.

There’s history of mental illness in my family, mania, depression, bipolar. My mom says she thinks I have depression that she knows when I’m feeling low and when I’m feeling normal.

I tell her I’m fine. And then I don’t seek out the professional help like I tell her I’ll do.

Why? Because I don’t feel justified in having these feelings. It’s like a weird middle ground where I’m self aware that this is not normal behavior, the lethargy, the lack of self-care, the constant mood swings and I know which professionals to seek, I know the costs involved. But I won’t make the necessary appointment.

There’s more here that maybe I haven’t self-discovered. But I just needed to vent into the void that is the internet for a moment.

I’ll be fine. I just need another few days.

3 thoughts on “Is this depression?

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a rough spot. Depression can be a nasty companion, I went to seek out therapy for it a couple of years ago. There is nothing wrong with feeling what you are and I know that it can be confusing. Taking care of our mental health is so important. You don’t have to suffer continuously. If you can, please seek out help, either from a professional or somebody that you trust. I hope that you feel better soon. Sending you lots of love and good thoughts from afar. Stay safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I appreciate your warm wishes and you taking the time to respond.
      It is comforting and reassuring to know I’m not alone and that these feelings are valid. Seeking help from a professional is on my agenda, it’s just a matter of doing it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely understand. It took me about half a year to gather the courage and energy to start looking for a therapist and then about a year to actually find the right one for me. It’s journey. I was ashamed and afraid that I might be overreacting to my own feelings and not actually “deserve” to get therapy. After all, I not experienced anything that was objectively traumatic (in my own book). But I felt awful and would break down on a regular basis. When I finally went to therapy and was met with understanding and an actual diagnosis of depression, I was so relieved. Going to psychotherapy was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have worked through so many things and grown so much. I hope you have a similar experience. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or if you need someone to listen to. You are not alone.

        Like

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